I’m often asked, “How do I help my child break a bad habit?”
Whether the bad habit be:
1) Talking back automatically
2) Whining when asked to do something
3) Complaining
4) Nail biting
5) Yelling when frustrated
6) Hitting a younger sibling when angry
7) Giving up on a task or lesson when it doesn’t go the way he wants
There are 2 things your child needs YOU to do for him/her:
1) Give her the words (or the exact action) and practice
2) Give her a visual tracker
Never fear! Bad habits can be replaced! I say “replaced” because the only way bad habits can disappear from our lives is by overcoming them with another habit – a good one. So, how do we do this?
Here’s one idea. I love this one, because it involves LIFE-GIVING words and, if you can include it, the LIVING Word of God.
Let’s break it down.
First, she needs you to give her the words.
We adults are apt to think that because our child can speak, she knows what to say when she wants to express her emotions or thoughts.
Not necessarily.
Many times, children have big thoughts and emotions, but just don’t have the vocabulary. Simply because they were not taught those words.
You know exactly what you want your child to say in response to, “Please put away the dishes,” for example.
Don’t keep her in the dark. Tell her. “Yes, mommy.”
And express your pleasure, when she does.
Then, practice, practice, practice. It will become a habit.
By the way, would you like a way to make this practice even more powerful? Give her a Scripture verse to say. The Word of God is living and active, and sharper than any double-edged sword.
What of her feelings?
It’s just like when we say, “I forgive you,” and the dark cloud evaporates from our soul simply because of the power of those words. (I’m not saying you forget what happened, but that’s another article.)
Her feelings will change, and she will begin to feel a sense of triumph.
And by the way, during an “off-time,” that is, a non-emotional time, practice with her.
You: “Sweetie, what if mommy asks you to take a shower, what do you say?”
Child: “Yes, mommy!”
You: “Son, what if your sister accidentally dropped your toy and broke it. What would you do?”
Child: “I take 5 steps back and then go to you for a hug.”
Second, provide her with a visual tracker.
Set out 2 jars.
In one jar, put in 30 pretty pencils, for example.
(Be creative here and use what she enjoys. Does she like pretty rocks? Or Hershey’s kisses?)
Every time she replies to your question (whatever habit you’re working on) with the response you have practiced (step one), have her move one pretty pencil from the jar to the empty jar.
When all of the pretty pencils have been moved to the other jar, she receives a natural, appropriate “consequence,” such as a date with mommy at her favorite restaurant for some quality, mommy-daughter time.
Bonus:
Label the empty jar with the goal and the reward so she can see it.
For example, if you’re working on her not talking back and contradicting when asked to do something, and instead replying with “Yes, mommy,” your label on the jar can say:
Goal: Good relationship with Mommy. (Note it doesn’t say “Not talking back.” Set her sights on the positive vision.)
Reward: Date with Mommy at my favorite restaurant.
If it helps, put a label on the penciled jar too. There, write down the response you are working on together. For example, this label could say, “Yes, Mommy,” and/or the Scripture verse.
Be LIFE-GIVING
Mama, guess what? Our child WANTS to – even NEEDS to – have a good relationship with us. They just don’t know sometimes that their behavior is acquiring the opposite effect – that they are putting pencils in the wrong jar.
They simply need training with the right, LIFE-GIVING words or actions, and a visual reminder. Just like we do, don’t we?
And by the way, I don’t believe there is anyting magical per se in the words, “Yes mommy.”
Let me know, in the comments below, if you’ll try this or if you have already!
Let’s celebrate each win together.
